Obsessed, grace-less and stuck in a rut

I'm not even sure where to start without giving away too much information. I guess it would be safe to say that I had a falling out with a very good friend, a friend I've had for over 10 years. One who has been there for the births of all of my children. One who we shared similiar paths in life in more ways than one. One who I valued and loved and still do.

Through the years, we all grew. We found people to share our lives with instead of just dating, we had our own children instead of babysitting, we found careers instead of just something to get some cash with. We moved into homes with yards and bought lawn mowers and had cook outs and family get togethers. We were still a tight knit circle....dysfunctional at (most) times but still tight knit.

Between my family and friends, I think I now associate the word dysfunctional with love and friendship.

The falling out....

I was already overly flustered and angry. I called my friend to update her on the flustering situation, to which she said she was mad at ME for! I lost my temper and yelled, and my loudness was splattered with obscenities. My mouth was crapping out more than I could hold in. It was bitter. That I will admit to. I was overly frustrated and angry. I immediately knew that I had messed up.
Silence followed......I half commented/ half inquired that I had been mean.? My friend confirmed and said she was getting off the phone.

The texting war ensued. I was careful to keep my tongue and not let it loose again. The things she said were hurtful and attacking. Things that weren't even like her. I will admit that I spewed back, but was careful to not attack anything personally about them or any of their character flaws. Angry wasn't even the word for what I was feeling...at that time it was pure hatred. How dare she blow this all out of proportion...and then attack me and Chris! In the end, I texted to let her know if she wanted to blame us that was fine, hurtful words weren't helping anything. We would be gone. She said she was walking away from me and chris...not the kids. I agreed.

And that was it....just like that. Everything was done and over. No more friendships. No more get togethers. Nothing........

Two weeks later, I haven't let it go. I'm angry, bitter and hurt. I rotate between the three. I don't understand how I am the complete raging lunatic and this time Chris just keeps saying, It's going to be Ok. That makes me angry at him. For what reason, I have no idea. Rational thoughts have left me.

I don't like when people are angry with one another or fighting for any reason. It makes me anxious until it's resolved. I often stick my nose in where it shouldn't be to try to mend things or get people to try to put themselves in the other person's shoes. But, this time I am the other person. And, in all it's ridiculousness, I do understand why my friend would say such mean things. I can understand her feelings, even if I don't agree with them. The awful thing is, I can't be the voice of reason since I am the enemy.

She has discarded me. I can't seem to get past this. Our close knit group was comprised of mostly her family members. Which she let me know...was HERS, not mine. That hurt. That was probably the most hurtful thing she said, besides blaming my husband for basically ruining her family. There is a birthday party coming up, which will be held next door to our house. The anxiety of it has invaded my dreams. I don't think I can go. I can't face them. I can't face the whole family. Not yet. I don't think I can muster enough pride to sit and face them all looking at me, judging me, blaming me. I can't take sitting there while friend ignores me. I can't take feeling taunted....

I know I should just bow out gracefully while I have a few strands of dignity left. Grace has left me. Rational thoughts have left me. I want my group back. I want my friends back. I want my little family back. Everything is changing and I hate it.