Sunday, November 30, 2008

Turkey Hands!

Wow, I sure haven't posted in awhile. So, I will run down the updates since I last posted.

For those of you who know anything about my five year old you will appreciate his big accomplishment. Devin has a hard time sitting for any length of time and absolutely despises anything to do with writing anything that even resembles the alphabet. So, I have been trying to do different things at home to show him that the letters will not suck his soul out. One night I got out all of our artsy craftsy stuff to make turkey hands. Me, Dev and Nuby traced our hands and were coloring our "feathers" when Devin decided he had enough and took a black crayon and make dark violent scribbles all over his turkey. I asked him why he would do that to the turkey he had worked so hard on and he just stares at me with his corky like face with his tongue half hanging out and shrugs his shoulders. This face drives me freaking crazy. So, I fly into a rage and rip up his turkey hand, tell him he made it ugly and throw it away.

Yes, I know I'm an asshole. I guess me and Devin are too much alike with rage and attention spans. We made a new turkey hand which is now proudly hanging on the wall in the dining room.

That is the prequel to his big accomplisment. We went to my mother's for Thanksgiving and we had been talking about making turkey hands to take for everybody. On Monday, we talked about our plans to mass make turkey hands after school that day. When I got there to pick him up that afternoon his little cubby was full of papers. I pulled them out and was looking at page after page of his unsteady tracing of his little hand. He came running over and said, "Look, mom, I made my turkey hands!" His teacher said that while everybody was running around and playing (which running is Devin's FAVORITE pastime) Devin was in the writing center deligently tracing his hand on scrap paper and putting each one in his cubby as he was finished.

We brought home the turkey hands and he cut every single one out and glued it to constuction paper. The following day we rushed home because I had worked an hour and a half over and we had a very short time span to finish the turkeys, bake cookies like I had promised, pack all of our bags and be ready for me to watch Lost at 9:00. So, we got home, ate dinner, baked cookies, and Devin got his sharpie and sat and wrote his name on each turkey. Any of you who know my Devin, knows that writing his name even once is a task. He wrote it on every single turkey and then he even put the finishing touches on them. Every good turkey hand needs eyes a beak and bright colored feathers.

I am so stinkin proud of my little man. These turkey hands may seem like a walk in the park to many five year olds or even 3 year olds, but this is a HUGE milestone for my Dev. I am going to have to take a picture of one and post it so you all can share in the turkey hand wonder.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


I typed out a whole long post the other day but when I hit the "publish post" button, it all disappeared. So, I wanted to let you all know what will be coming...

Coming to a blog near you...

Poopy Pants: The Sequel

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Poopy pants...the sequel

Since I haven't had anything funny happen lately, I decided to post another poopy pants story.

Ok. So, I have a pretty high stress job. I oversee multiple early childhood and school age programs throughout our county. It used to be a job that was split up between five people, but through the years they have "re-structred" (screwed people as much as they possibly can) the management positions. They finally had it whittled down to two people. Myself and my friend Coin-O, who was the assistant manager. When Coin-O left to work at a higher paying less stress job (can't blame her) they decided that they were re-structuring once more and wouldn't be refilling the position. Yeah for me.

In the weeks following her absence I was beside myself with frustration and feeling overwhelmed. When I get like this, I get the crazy-poos.

Crazy-poos- Extreme stomach cramps that come and go in waves. These waves bring hot flashes, searing pain and nauseau. It also gives you about a 10-20 second window to hobble your cramped up body to a toilet before your butt splurches. You must place yourself that must have walls or bars to hold on to.

Back to the story. I had been suffering for the crazy poos for quite a few days. I wasn't sure if my poor bum could take any more. I was so raw that I was now patting my poor bottom with scented baby wipes.

After days of this, I am at home with all of the kids doing something that I can't even remember. I was having a moment of peacefullness. I was just standing in my living room, staring out the giant picture window as the wind blew through the trees thinking of how it looked exactly like this when I was little.

It hit quick this time. So quick that I didn't even know it happened. While staring out the window with a look of pure bliss on my face...I...farted.

Thought process in my head.


I didn't even know I had to toot.

That sure burned.

It's still burning!

Why is it still burning?

Is it burning on the inside or outside?

I think it's burning on the outside...





There is no way this is happening again.

(I still have not moved from my blissful position at this point)

I then decide that I should check out the possible situation that could be escalating as the burning is spreading on the outside. I take off waddling up the stairs to keep it from smearing. Yep, smashed up carrots.

Why is this happening to me, God?

Can't you leave my poor butt alone for once.

I peel my clothing off and carefully step into the shower to wash my stinky butt. You would think that just pooping would make me gag. Nope, apparently I'm ok with the pooping part. But, I am not ok with washing my own butt when there is poo on it.

I won't go anymore into detail...ha ha ha...well, anymore than I already have. Ok, that sentence was ridiculous but I am going to leave it there cause it made me laugh.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Look at my award!

I originally started this blog after reading my friend's blog. She recently moved away and I check her blog obsessively to see what she is up to. I am usually the person who tells the stupidly funny stories at functions, so I thought why don't I tell my stories on my blog? And, that's what I do now.

My friend Jenny awarded me the blog award, I'm lovin' your blog. I like to think it is because my blog is funny to read and people enjoy it but it could very well be that she feels sorry for me because I have no blog friends. ha ha ha.

The award rules go as follows:

Now it's time for YOU to share this award with blogs you love to read!Here are the Rules:

1. The winner can put the logo on his/her blog.

2. Link the person from whom you received your award.

3. Nominate at least seven other blogs

4. Put links of those blogs on yours, and

5. Leave a message on the blogs that you've nominated!

I'm awarding the I Love Your Blog award to...

Unfortunately, since I am relatively new to the blogger world, I do not have seven people to pass on this award to, so I will pass it on to the few people that I do follow regularly.

Congratulations guys! I love your blogs. You can copy and paste the award into your blog now.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Busy Busy Week

This week is a busy one for me so I thought that I would leave a post while I have a second.

I started my second block of classes this week and am still waiting on my final project scores from last week. I know I did good in my class that was pointless, but I'm not holding my breath for my english class. The professor must have been pulled out of a cracker jack box because I probably could have taught the class just as well as she did. At one point in the class, my computer was being an ass and wouldn't let me open the documents I needed to complete. So, I only got to turn in half of my assignment. She must not really look at things because she sure gave me a 100% on the assignment. Then I got absolutely no relevant feedback from her regarding my rough drafts on my final project and received no peer feedback because the student assigned my essay decided not to do it. So, I decided that if you can't win, piss as many people off as possible. During all of our assignment question days, I played devil's advocate and challenged everybody's answers. On surveys for the teacher, I told it like it was and said the class sucked balls. So, we'll see what kind of grade I get.

Yesterday I traveled 4 hours for a training. Tonight I had a meeting after work. Tomorrow I have to work late to train a new employee. Thursday I have to travel 6 hours for work. Friday I have to work late to finish training a new employee. So, I may not get to blog again until this weekend. Please don't cane me.

See ya after my busy busy week.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

New picture link thingy

I added a button on the right linking to the "Bring the Rain" log. Particulary to the praying for your children page. Check it out, pray for your children.

Ok, I will cut this one off short since most of my post are extremely long.

Cold cloudy morning

I have been on this crazy cleaning streak for over two weeks now. I am normally a very lazy messy kind of person. I would rather be playing in the mud than cleaning. I was once quoted stating that I would rather eat my own poop than ever clean the kitchen again. Just for the record, I never did eat or ever attempt to eat my own poop. And, I have cleaned the kitchen several hundred times since then.

I think it is because I haven't had any friends to play with and it's getting too cold to go play outside. Two weeks ago my friend (kind of sister-in-law) was scheduled to be induced to have her second baby. I had been super excited waiting for her. Our group is made up primarily of all boys with the exception of Cadence. We had made arrangements so that her oldest, who is the same age as Devin, would stay with me. Devin and Tyler go to preschool together so, if she would have happened to go into labor on her own, it made sense that he stay with me to still continue with school.

Anyway, she was scheduled to be induced on a Friday around noon. So, I changed my schedule at work to be able to get off at 2:30 to be sure that I wouldn't miss anything. I left work picked up all the kids and called Jamie (my friend/sister-in-law) to see if anything was going on. Nothing eventful yet. I told her that I was taking all the boys home and we were going to eat, play outside for awhile and then we would be up. Sounded great. It was the plan we had been talking about for weeks.

Then me and Chris decided that maybe we would find a sitter for some of our crew to focus on just Tyler, since this was HIS baby sister. Chris called his brother, who is Jamie's husband, to see what he was doing and told him of our plan. Everything comes to a screaching HAAAALLLTTT! Lee, Chris' brother, does not want Tyler at the hospital. He doesn't think it is a good idea. This is as we are finalizing to leave. At this point, I am completely floored. Of course, if only one of us is able to go up then it will be Chris. It is his brother after all. But, I am the one who changed my schedule at work to make sure I was able to get all the kids and not miss anything. I kept calling/texting to see what was going on during the day. Nobody asked me if I minded staying home. If they would have, I would have told them that they needed to find somebody to keep Tyler during the time that I could go see the new baby. To say that I was livid, is the understatement of the year. I was wishing giant obnoxious episiotomies on Jamie and trying to wrap the umbilical cord around Lee's neck with my mind power.

But, to shorten up the beginning of the mayhem...when I get upset or angry I need to keep moving. Since, Jamie was in the hospital and my friend next door has been all holed up with every sickness known to the human race, I have been cleaning. My laundry has been done, my dishes are not only washed but put away. Oh and Coin will appreciate this Aunt Suzy bought me a sweet new vaccuum. And I have been washing out the bagless canister every time I sweep. I sicken myself.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Poopy pants...

Oh buddy, where to start? First, I need to let you know that toilet humor IS THE funniest humor. And anybody who looks in disgust instead of cracking up uncontrollably is a big ol' faker. When me and my big brood of cousins all get together, you can bet your ass crack that the conversation will soon turn to poop and farts. It doesn't matter what the setting may be...weddings, church dinners, always ends up the same.

Nutty poop, squishy poop, shrapnel poop, phantom poop, fiahrrea poop, goat pebble poop, crazy poop, whole food poop...etc. you get the point.

You get the point that poop is hilarious. But, only when you are talking of poop that goes directly from your or other said person's butt directly into the toilet.

Let me take you back a few years, approximately 4. I had the worst stomach ache. It was the kind of stomach pains that come in waves and make you feel like you have horrific gas. I was like this for about two days but continued working as it was after all, only a stomach ache. I needed to take some supplies to an outside site, so I went down to the basement and grabbed a 50 pound box. This should be no big deal for me. I am not hercules by any means but definately pride myself on being able to do things myself. (I'm a big girl) So, I carry the box up the two flights of stairs from the basement to my office. Oh no, here comes a stomach cramp. I bend over to set the box down, trying to not let it pull me off my feet as I am bending when a fart escapes. It's one of those farts that slowly leak out and you can't for the life of you pinch it off. It just slowly keeps on a leaking and a whinin'. So, I stand up quickly and realize that although my butt has disposed off all of it's gas that the burn is now persisting on, not the inside, but the outside of my buns. That's when the smell slaps me in the face. BLECH. I am now in a full blown panic with my mind racing a gazillion miles a minute.

"No, it was just a fart, it was not poop. I did not poop in my pants. Oh God, what is that smell. Where is everyone. Did someone hear it. Can someone smell me. What do I do. Where do I go. Why is it still burning. Do I feel something running down my leg."

I take off running out of my office, trying not to let my butt cheeks rub together, and head for the second floor bathroom which is usually unoccupied. I lock myself in a stall and "check" the specimen. Yes yes yes, oh no. I have squishy water poo with something that looks like carrot slivers happily staring back at me.

Anyway, this is a favorite story with my friends as my one friend who also worked there had to assist me. Did she come down to tell me it was ok since I was sick? Hell no, I called her from the phone in the hallway and could hear her laughing through the stairwell from the next floor up. Gotta love your friends!

I didn't have anything crazy happen this week so, I thought you all might get a kick out of my poopy pants story. If you are lucky, there might be a sequel to this later this week.