Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Poopy pants...the sequel

Since I haven't had anything funny happen lately, I decided to post another poopy pants story.

Ok. So, I have a pretty high stress job. I oversee multiple early childhood and school age programs throughout our county. It used to be a job that was split up between five people, but through the years they have "re-structred" (screwed people as much as they possibly can) the management positions. They finally had it whittled down to two people. Myself and my friend Coin-O, who was the assistant manager. When Coin-O left to work at a higher paying less stress job (can't blame her) they decided that they were re-structuring once more and wouldn't be refilling the position. Yeah for me.

In the weeks following her absence I was beside myself with frustration and feeling overwhelmed. When I get like this, I get the crazy-poos.

Crazy-poos- Extreme stomach cramps that come and go in waves. These waves bring hot flashes, searing pain and nauseau. It also gives you about a 10-20 second window to hobble your cramped up body to a toilet before your butt splurches. You must place yourself that must have walls or bars to hold on to.

Back to the story. I had been suffering for the crazy poos for quite a few days. I wasn't sure if my poor bum could take any more. I was so raw that I was now patting my poor bottom with scented baby wipes.

After days of this, I am at home with all of the kids doing something that I can't even remember. I was having a moment of peacefullness. I was just standing in my living room, staring out the giant picture window as the wind blew through the trees thinking of how it looked exactly like this when I was little. When....it....happened........

It hit quick this time. So quick that I didn't even know it happened. While staring out the window with a look of pure bliss on my face...I...farted.

Thought process in my head.


I didn't even know I had to toot.

That sure burned.

It's still burning!

Why is it still burning?

Is it burning on the inside or outside?

I think it's burning on the outside...





There is no way this is happening again.

(I still have not moved from my blissful position at this point)

I then decide that I should check out the possible situation that could be escalating as the burning is spreading on the outside. I take off waddling up the stairs to keep it from smearing. Yep, smashed up carrots.

Why is this happening to me, God?

Can't you leave my poor butt alone for once.

I peel my clothing off and carefully step into the shower to wash my stinky butt. You would think that just pooping would make me gag. Nope, apparently I'm ok with the pooping part. But, I am not ok with washing my own butt when there is poo on it.

I won't go anymore into detail...ha ha ha...well, anymore than I already have. Ok, that sentence was ridiculous but I am going to leave it there cause it made me laugh.

1 comment:

Hi! You've reached Jennie. I'm not available right now. So, leave me a message after the tone and I'll be sure to get back with you. 'BEEEEEEEEP"