Thursday, December 15, 2011

Excuse me, Can I lick your pink eye?

Why am I never sick? Most people would think this is great, but it's really a curse. I'm cursed to take care of sick people. I'm cursed to never have homemade soups and hot tea. I'm cursed to never be able to lay all snug in cozy blankies on the couch with a never ending stream of tasteless reality shows on tv.

I did catch an 8 hour bug from the boys last year. But, it wasn't severe enough to put me out of commission for the entire day. Come on, flu. That's all you got?

Sinus infections...psssssh. That's not a couchable illness. Nobody looks at you with a blown out sinus filled face and says, "You'd better go home and let somebody take care of you".

I once had kidney stones. That was pretty bad. I had an extremely high fever and wasn't able to straighten myself from the intense pain. I was delirious on the couch under a mound of coats and whatever else I was able to reach, croacking out for water and sinking back into fever induced sleep.


I want that back.

I want to lay on the couch for an entire day while Chris does everything. I want him to make me food, bring me food and clean up my food. I want to be the remote holder and watch every episode of Sister Wives. I want him to have to tend to 3 boys who have bottomless bellies, always wanting a snack or something to drink. I want him to do bath time and bed time and bed time and bed time and bed time and bed time (for my vampire children who don't sleep).

If anybody has any good communicable diseases, send me a vile of your spit!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Attack of the vacuum

Devin goes back to the Doctor's office to talk about medications this Thursday. I'm a basketcase of anxiousness and hopefulness. I wish people were more open about their children being on medication. Hearing about other's experiences is always helpful. I've got less than a handful of mom's in the same boat as me so we're flying mostly blind and with the help of google.

In happier thoughts...Christmas is coming! Flights are booked and family will be flying and driving in from all over the country. We went out Thanksgiving weekend and cut our tree down.
Yesterday I was attempting to use the vacuum hose attachment to suck up fallen pine needles from the tree skirt when the hose sucked up the tree skirt. Normally this wouldn't be a problem. You would just pull the skirt from the hose. But, you have never met MY vacuum. It's the vacuum from hell. I can't tell you how many times that sadistic sucker has found ways to maim me, blind me and regularly reek havoc on my phalanges. It's a heavy beast that is the only vacuum that has been able to hold it's own in a house of never ending dust producing projects, spills of random candies and lego toys. Chris and I have been together for almost 8 years and we have owned 4 vacuums in that time. The first three lasting all around one year before hacking out it's final fur ball and retiring to the local dump.

Not this one.

It dishes out as much abuse as I can dish. It's an eye for eye, toe for toe....or as in yesterday's case a hose for nose.

As I was precariously twisted around the branches of sappy knives trying to suck up dead pine needles, the tree skirt sucked up into the hose.

This caused a chain of reactions of the Griswald proportion.

1. Hose sucks up tree skirt.
2. Hose gets jammed with tree skirt and can no longer suck.
3. Hose that was stretched to the max recoils up on it's own suction.
4. Recoiling hose yanks vacuum across the room.
5. I turn to see vacuum roaring at me.
6. Vacuum slams into me (I think I heard it laughing too)
7. Vacuum slams me off what little balance I had.
8. Both me and vacuum fall to our sappy death.

Had anybody else been in the room with me, I probably would have been able to find more humor in it all. Instead, I was left pelting ornaments and lights back onto the bottom portion of the tree by calling the vacuum every unholy name I could think of.